Improve communication with your teen

Here are 11 behaviours to avoid when communicating with your teenager and improving your overall relationship with them. Although many of these behaviours are well-intentioned, the consequences can sometimes be harmful.

1. Giving advice, offering solutions

This attitude can cause the young person to feel incapable of solving their problems by themselves. They may become dependent on others to find solutions for them.

Examples: "You should try doing this..." "Just tell him that..." or "Have you thought about..."

2. Investigate, question, interrogate

 In fact, they may become fearful because they don't understand what the other person is getting at.

Examples: "Why did you do that?" "Who were you with?" or "What were you doing there?"

3. Self-reflection

This behaviour leads the young person to argue and to want to defend their opinion.  They may feel inferior or incompetent.

Examples: "If I were in your shoes..." "The same thing happened to me..." or "You know, when I was your age I..."

4. Trivializing, dismissing, invalidating

This attitude can lead the young person to think that it is better to avoid their emotions than confront them. They may also feel that their experiences are inconsequential and tend to close in on themselves.

Examples: "It's not that hard..." "You shouldn't feel this way..." "It happens to everyone..." or "Don't cry about it..."

5. Reassure, comfort

This behaviour is intended to spare our young person from experiencing the after-effects of what we call "more unpleasant" emotions. Instead, it will make them feel misunderstood and think that it is wrong to feel these emotions.

Examples: "Don't worry, it will pass..." "Stop, don't worry about it..." "You'll see, everything will work out..." or "One down, ten to go"

6. Order, direct, command

By telling your child what to do and leaving no room for negotiation, you are not taking the time to consider their well-being. This can create an unhealthy power struggle in the relationship and lead to fear and a desire to rebel.

Examples: "Stop thinking about it..." "Start by doing this..." or "Sit down, we need to talk..."

7. Threaten, warn, caution

Attempting to control your child can create fear and submission. It can also create resentment and anger, and again lead to a desire to rebel.

Examples: "If you don't stop, I'm going to have to..." "Keep it up and you'll see what happens to you..." or "I warned you..."

8. Interpret, psychoanalyze

Because you are their parent and not their therapist, this attitude can make them feel that their privacy is being violated.

Examples: "I know that's not what you meant..." "You're acting this way because of..." or "Your problem is that you take things too personally..."

9. Judging, criticizing, blaming

This behaviour may make the young person feel inadequate. They may feel incompetent, stupid or inadequate. As a result, they may decide to close themselves off for fear of being judged again.

Examples: "You're over-exaggerating, I think..." "That's probably not what she meant..." or "We know that with you, you always have to wear tiptoe around...".

10. Moralizing, lecturing

This could lead the young person to want to justify themselves or to feel guilty, and gives the impression that they are not trusted.

Examples: "You see where this has gotten you..." "You're not ashamed to go out like that..." or "If you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this situation...".

11. Contempt

This attitude is often manifested through non-verbal communication. These are looks and facial expressions that can make the youth feel inferior. As a result, the youth feels that they are worthless and this can lead them to devalue themselves.

Examples: "Just drop it...," rolling your eyes, sighing.

Using Empathic Listening

To improve communication with your child, consider using empathic (or active) listening. Empathic listening requires an effort to really understand what the child is experiencing. By inviting them to express themselves, young people gain self-awareness - of their needs, desires, and potential. This encourages them to take responsibility for themselves.

Empathy is trying to see through the eyes of the other person. We try to understand the young person's point of view and then we validate our understanding with them. The goal is not to accept or share their point of view, but simply to understand them.

Remember that changing the way you communicate can take time. So, it's good to be patient, persistent, and kind to yourself!

References (in French)

Écoute psy, Les obstacles à lune bonne communication
Accroc, Les 12 obstacles à la communication