Say Goodbye to Parent-Teen Arguments

Why Use Conscious Communication

This approach contributes to creating a safe environment and building trust, as people feel listened to and understood without judgment, which is essential for a fulfilling relationship.

Better Understanding Conflicts

In any exchange, each person has their own perception of the situation. It is common to witness that when two people recount the same situation, there are often two versions of the story.

Indeed, the brain is programmed to interpret the world around it. When a trigger (a stimulus or situation) occurs, it associates it with a related memory, which then triggers an emotion.

Example of a Conflict Between a Parent and Teenager

Mélodie, a 15-year-old teenager, doesn’t eat in the morning because she isn’t hungry, and forcing herself to eat makes her feel sick. Her father, however, believes that it’s important to eat breakfast to have energy and prepares food for her every morning.

However, when Mélodie sees the food, it revives a memory of conflict related to the obligation to eat, which makes her emotional. Behind this emotion lies an unmet need for autonomy, while her father is simply trying to show his care for her.

Their respective needs are legitimate and could be expressed clearly to each other, but emotion often takes over. This sometimes leads to impulsive reactions, such as yelling, blaming, or withdrawing.

This example demonstrates that conflicts directly result from an unmet emotional need. Rather than taking a moment to reflect and identify which need is not being met, our brain often tends to react emotionally.

7 Tips for More Effective Communication

1- Confirm Your Perceptions 

Before interpreting a situation, take a moment to observe the facts objectively.

2- Remember Your Power to Act 

It’s important to understand that the only power we have is over ourselves. Forcing someone to behave in a certain way usually results in a feeling of attack, which causes the other person to become defensive.

3- Practice Introspection 

This moment allows you to recognize the triggers related to your memories and identify the unmet need. Once identified, it’s up to you to address it rather than waiting for others to do so.

4- Differentiate Between Reaction and Response 

A reaction is impulsive and guided by emotions. In contrast, a response requires taking a step back, allowing the brain to regulate itself instead of acting impulsively and thoughtlessly.

5- Use "I" to Express Your Emotions

Instead of accusing or blaming the other person, it’s better to talk about your feelings and express your emotions by focusing on yourself. For example, “When I don’t feel heard, I feel frustrated.” This helps express your needs without inciting resistance from the other person.

6- Practice Active Listening

Practicing active listening and empathy means understanding the other person’s needs, welcoming their emotions without minimizing them, not interrupting, and rephrasing what you’ve understood.

7- Make Clear Requests

It’s more effective to make a positive, specific, and achievable request rather than an expectation. For example, “Could you give me 10 minutes without distractions so we can talk?”

References (in French)

Le centre de la Communication Non Violente, L'approche de la communication non-violente selon Marshall Rosenberg