Support your teen to develop their autonomy

It’s a time of hormonal, psychological, social, relational, and sexual transformation. Through these upheavals, your teenager will need your support and presence more than ever, as well as your guidance, to help them learn important lessons on the path to becoming an independent and responsible adult. 

How do we reconcile our boundaries as parents with our adolescent's need for independence?

It is important to recognize their needs and value their developing autonomy as you accompany your adolescent through this period.  Of course, you have a special role to play in your teen’s life throughout these moments of change and adaptation. To help maintain a positive relationship with your adolescent during this stage of life, following this simple 4-step process can be very useful.

Step back - Breathe - Reflect - React

Your teenager's behaviours, attitudes, words, and responses will inevitably make you react one day - and that's normal! Your teenager is in a period of self-assertion and building identity. They are developing a distinct personality with ideas, values, and behaviours that are different from yours. You may notice your teen trying to carve out more independence and freedom.  They may start focusing most of their attention on their social life and, as a result, put more distance between the two of you. This can be very challenging for a parent, and it is important to intervene when you see something that is inappropriate or unacceptable. However, a spontaneous and emotional reaction to your teenager's behaviour can sometimes come out in hurtful, confrontational, or even violent ways, which can damage the relationship in the long run. So, the next time you clash with your teen, before you react, remember to: Step back - Breathe - Reflect - React

Rules and Negotiation: Steps to Autonomy

When a child is young, it is up to the parent to make the right decisions and to put in place the necessary rules to ensure their well-being and safety. Once an adult, the child will be responsible for their actions and the consequences that follow. Adolescence is therefore the crucial time when they must learn to make the right choices for themselves. To help your young person make this transition, parents can put in place clear rules. Offering room for negotiation with your teen when developing these rules helps to give them a feeling of ownership and responsibility. Establishing and respecting these rules is a way to teach your teenager autonomy. 

A quick reminder about rules

To be complete and effective, a rule for family life must take into account the following criteria:

1. A rule must be CLEAR : stated simply and precisely. The teenager must know the concrete (observable) behavior that is expected of them and the associated consequence if they do not comply.
2. A rule must be COHERENT : the consequence must be related to the behaviour we want to instil in our adolescent. We should model with our own behaviour what we are asking our teen to do.
3. A rule must be CONSISTENT : applying the rule is the parent’s responsibility and the parent must regularly, continuously, and assiduously enforce it.
4. A rule must be CONSEQUENTIAL : as in society, rules are accompanied by consequences. These consequences should ideally be logical; that is, they are directly related to the objectionable behaviour and should be designed to promote learning. 

Bonding

You've been your child’s closet companion throughout his early years. The bond you have created with your teen is important and you will need to maintain it for many years to come. There are some techniques that can help you build or maintain a close bond with your adolescent, based on respect and cooperation. 

Here are some ways to help promote a strong bond and healthy communication:

1. Take a break when anger is brewing and allow your adolescent to take a break as well. Come back to your discussion later when things calm down;
2. Ask for your teen's input. This will make them feel included in the decision-making process;
3. Let them know that you are not the enemy. Start your discussions by telling them that you are on their side;
4. Take time to spend quality time together. Show an interest in their passions. 

Realities of a family restructuring

It's widely understood that good communication is the key to a healthy and balanced relationship. Communication is also very important when you need to interact with your teen's other parent, especially in a separation situation. This is called a co-parenting relationship. This relationship must be respectful to ensure that your adolescent can benefit from two harmonious family units. If your family is in the process of restructuring, you may want to seek out the necessary resources to help your adolescent, and all members of your family, feel supported and secure during the changes that are taking place. 

Finally, remember that adolescence is a time of change, new experiences, and misunderstandings for your young person.

Already, you have created a little human being who has grown up, and you can be proud of yourself! 

References (in French)

Atelier Parent d’ado: Une traversée conçu par l’organisme Entraide Parents
Danie BEAULIEU, 100 trucs pour améliorer vos relations avec les ados, Montreal, les Éditions Quebecor, 2010, p. 36-38 (Coll. Psychologie)