Sexuality: Is my teen "normal"?

Who am I? What kind of person do I want to be in the future? What kind of people do I want to be around? How would I describe myself? These are all questions that may be running through your teen's mind.

There's no wrong answer to these questions, but try to do the exercise for a few minutes. Do your answers come naturally or quickly? If so, did it take you several years to construct these answers? Are they changing? Or have they already changed over time? For your adolescent, these questions will become more prominent in their daily lives and untangling all of this information and questions can become quite a challenge.

Gender Identity

What defines me as a person? Is it what I have between my legs? For some people it is, for others it is not. The sex assigned at birth is not a guarantee of gender identity. Our gender identity is defined by how we perceive ourselves mentally. Our gender expression is variable: we may speak in a "masculine" way, wear our hair in a "feminine" way, dress in an "androgynous*" way, etc. Your child will therefore explore the expression of their gender through their hair products, make-up, clothes, shoes, as you may have done too, with the different fashion or social trends in your environment. Almost everyone does it.

Sexual orientation

Our sexual orientation is different from our gender identity in that it speaks to our preferences in terms of love and attraction. Our sexual orientation is defined through time and our experiences. It allows us to better understand ourselves by understanding the type of person we are attracted to and to whom we might eventually develop romantic feelings. Sometimes sexual orientation is defined gradually, while for other people it comes unexpectedly and surprises us through a specific experience or situation.

The famous question: is this "normal"?

In order for your child's psychosexual development** to be optimal and for them to fully develop their identity, the transition to allo-erotic sexuality, i.e. experimenting with another person, will eventually be on the agenda. Rest assured, the age of first sexual intercourse has not changed for several decades in Canada: it is still around 16-17 years old. Again, it's normal for your teen to feel a desire to explore another person's body and experience sexual responses through different sexual encounters. Having an early or late first sexual encounter can bring up a lot of questions and sometimes stress.

If your teenager tells you that they are feeling distressed about their sexuality or lack thereof, again, sex therapists are the designated professionals to turn to. If there is no sexologist available in your child's school or in a resource near you, don't hesitate to ask for help from school personnel; they will be able to direct you and guide your teenager through the many questions they might have. On the other hand, there is no such thing as a "norm" for sexuality. Each person lives their sexuality in their own way, so you can reassure your teen that there are no "norms" regarding human sexuality, although there are rights and laws to respect in certain situations (think of the notions of sexual consent, for example).

I am concerned about the influence of the people around my teen on their sex life, what should I do?

The influence of friends should not be underestimated here, because the vast majority of teenagers strongly desire one thing and one thing only: to be like the others. If your teenager thinks that "everyone else is at this stage," even if this is not true in reality, they tend to want to be "everyone else," which can lead to a lot of confusion and, in the worst case, to risky practices such as contracting an STBBI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) or an unwanted pregnancy, just to name a few. 

Sex Education - 9 Ways to Live a Healthy Life:

The first step to avoiding unnecessary stress and staying informed is knowing where to find accurate sex education information and appropriate resources. The question we really need to ask ourselves is "What do we want for our children?" because sex education is much more than knowing the definition of sexual consent by heart or how to put a condom on a wooden penis. With sex education, your adult-to-be will know how to live a healthier life. How do you do that? Well, by:

1. Learning to enjoy their sexuality and relationships in a healthy and positive way
2. Appreciating the difference(s) around them
3. Respecting the people who will share their lives
4. Understanding what "self-respect" means
5. Avoiding risky situations
6. Understanding their identity better
7. Communicating more effectively
8. Experiencing a fulfilling intimacy and/or sexuality free of distress and suffering
9. Seeking help from the right place when needed

Now let's ask ourselves how we can help ensure quality sex education for our youth. Would you agree that it starts now?

LEXICON :

*androgynous: a characteristic of a person who exhibits gender expression associated with both traditional stereotypes of male and traditional stereotypes of female.

**psychosexual development: individual development of the six dimensions of sexuality (biological, psycho-affective, cognitive, sociocultural, moral and spiritual, and ethical and legal)

References (in French)

Alberta Health Services, Changements pendant la puberté
Société canadienne de pédiatrie,  Grandir : De l’information pour les filles au sujet de la puberté
Société canadienne de pédiatrie,  Grandir : De l’information pour les garçons au sujet de la puberté
Éducaloi, Consentement sexuel