Helping your teen develop their full potential

Once upon a time, a man was walking in the forest. Fascinated by nature, he brought his brand new camera with him. His main intention: to capture beauty in its natural state. He took a few shots of birds, flowers, and even a ladybug. Having approached a tree, he looked at a small white spot. 

Amazed, he realized that it was a cocoon. A tiny butterfly was struggling inside. For a moment, he looked at the insect trying to extricate itself from its envelope. When he thought the butterfly was finally succeeding, he was surprised to see it give up.

The little insect seemed to have given its all. The man was disappointed, as he wanted to photograph the butterfly's first flight. He did not understand what had just happened. Then, all of a sudden, he had an idea. In order to make the insect's task easier, he took his pocket knife and made a small incision in the cocoon. 

Impatiently, he waited for the butterfly to finally spread its wings, but nothing happened. Saddened, he instead saw the insect's frail body. It was unable to support its weight and could not fly with its own wings. The man realized what a mistake he had made, and, helplessly, he returned to his house.

What is overprotection?

Did you recognize yourself in this story or did you recognize someone close to you?  This is very common in our lives. This attitude, however, is full of love, kindness, and benevolence, but it actually hinders the development of the loved one we wanted to help in the first place. While it is perfectly normal to act this way with a young child or one with limitations, it is totally different when they reach a certain age.

This usually starts with the thought "If he wasn't capable..." Then we become overwhelmed with the worry, "What will happen to him if he experiences another failure, another rejection?"  To take the weight off their shoulders, but mostly to reassure ourselves, we end up doing things for the other person. Consequently, our child may interpret that we don't trust them and may even feel unfit and unable to act. This is the beginning of a vicious circle where every word or action reinforces the opinion and feelings of both parties.

Overprotection can lead the teenager to have negative thoughts about himself and a lack of responsibility on its part.

Why is overprotecting your child harmful?

It is easy to see the repercussions of this overprotection for the teenager, i.e. negative thoughts about themselves and a lack of responsibility on their part, but what about the parent? Trying to help our teenager and ending up doing things for them can lead to the parent being perceived as over-aggressive. The parent may hear phrases such as, "Let me do it," "You're smothering me," "Stop telling me what to do," "You want it more than I do." 

Conversely, the parent may also feel victimized by comments such as: "Everything that happens is your fault," "If you hadn't done so much for them, you wouldn't be in this situation." Frustration, disappointment, sadness, guilt, anger, powerlessness, and exhaustion can become overwhelming for the parent. In any case, the consequences of the help become as heavy to bear as the initial fears. 

It's hard to change, but it's for the best! 

Any change in the way we think or do things creates discomfort at first. However, over time, both parties stand to gain. By respecting our teen's pace and choices, they can develop independence, responsibility, a sense of competence, and confidence and self-esteem. By refraining from interfering or giving advice, we can break the original vicious cycle.

How can we then help him?

Simply by being present, encouraging him, helping him stay motivated, and supporting him. Information is very important, but it is nothing compared to experience. It is therefore necessary to accept that our young person will make "bad choices," so that they can draw their own conclusions and learn from them. The moral of the story is that trusting them is the best way to support our youth.

References (in French)

ALPABEM, Formation ARSA – Apprendre à se rapprocher sans agressivité