Is your teen running with the wrong crowd?

For some families, this transition goes very well. But for the vast majority, it's an adjustment for everyone. Indeed, this is the most difficult time of parenthood! New people are coming into your kids' lives. You may like some of these people and others a little less.

Some changes related to adolescence

Adolescence is synonymous with many psychological and physical changes. It is also a time when young people are looking for autonomy, especially in relation to their parents. They are also testing boundaries and have a very vague perception of the consequences of their behaviour. Added to this is their growing need to belong to a group of friends. All of this leads teens to change their attitudes and behaviours, for better or for worse.

"My teen is influenced by his or her friends" yes... and no!

It can be easy to attribute your teen's unpleasant behaviors to their friends, especially when the behaviors were not present before they met them. However, this ignores the most important element: your child's own empowerment.

After all, if these people chose your child as a friend and vice versa, they already had a lot in common to begin with. Also, in friendship, there is a reciprocal influence. That is, all members of a group have an influence on the other members. In this sense, young people who exhibit more problematic behaviours tend to attract each other. They then further these behaviours to feel included in the group.

So, what should you do as a parent?

Certainly, some form of supervision must remain. Whether it's to be there when they need support or to stop them if their behaviour becomes too problematic. So there is a balance to be struck between fostering their independence and providing parental supervision.

On the one hand, being overly controlling, especially in terms of who they can and cannot see, may cause them to rebel against your authority. Being too intrusive may also affect their psychosocial development and lead to more problematic behaviours. On the other hand, being too permissive may give your teenager the false impression that they can do whatever they want without consequences. This may cause them to test the limits even further and again engage in more problematic behaviour.

Therefore, a consultation approach should be used, especially when they are experiencing conflicts with their friends. The goal is to name your observations and resulting concerns while encouraging them to make the best decision on their terms. Don't forget to tell them that you will be there for them no matter what.

Even if your teens are trying to become more and more independent, they still need to know that an adult is always there for them.

How do I address my concerns with my adolescent?

The most important thing is to never speak against the group of friends as a whole. Young people identify with the group, so they will attribute any blame to the group to themselves. For example, if you tell your child that you think their friends are immature, they will assume that they are immature.

So, if you feel that your teenager is engaging in certain disruptive behaviours since becoming friends with X or Y, identify your concerns with their new behaviour, not their friendship with these people. You can also name the behaviours you observe in their friends that you find disturbing. Again, it is important not to target an individual, but rather behaviours or attitudes.

How do you encourage positive behaviours?

Young people tend to engage in problematic behaviours in settings without adult supervision. So, to encourage positive behaviours, spend time with your family and encourage your teen to participate in a supervised activity that they enjoy. You can also encourage them to invite their friends over for these structured times to encourage their positive behaviours at home as well.

Moreover, these behaviors do not necessarily reflect the upbringing and values established at home. Indeed, teenagers are looking for autonomy and therefore distance from the family sphere. Remember that the time you invest helps ward off the more negative influences in their environment, which we cannot always control.

References (in French)

Université de Montréal, Le phénomène d’influence entre pairs : Observation des interactions sociales à l’intérieur de groupes d’entraînement aux habiletés sociales impliquant des élèves ayant des troubles du comportement et des pairs aidants sans trouble du comportement
Université de Montréal, La délinquance chez les jeunes : une évaluation approfondie de l’enchâssement social et du chevauchement des sphères relationnelles
Université de Montréal, Le rôle des parents dans les relations entre pairs au début de l'adolescence: une étude observationnelle
Enfance et Psy, Les mauvaises fréquentations : et si les parents avaient raison?