4 ways to support your child after a separation

This may be the case for your family and your children. Family reorganization means change and adaptation for all family members. Here are a few tips to help you through the various stages of family restructuring.

Mourning the loss of the original family unit

Following the separation of their parents, children may work through the various stages of grief. They may experience denial, anger, and may even try to reunite their parents at any cost. They may feel guilty, or feel like they could have done something different that would have prevented the separation from happening. With proper guidance, they will come to terms with the situation and understand that the new reality is here to stay. On average, this process takes a full year. Children need time and space to grieve. It is important to respect them and not to rush them.

Dealing with the conflicting loyalties

Your child may be experiencing a loyalty conflict following your separation. Have you ever heard of this? It's an inner conflict that causes your children to contradict themselves. Loyalty conflict can take many forms. In some cases, you might find that your children triangulate information reported to you and to the other parent. For example, they tell you something and when you talk to the other parent, you realize that your child has told them the opposite. Your child is not trying to do the wrong thing, on the contrary! They are simply trying to reduce their inner conflict by telling both parents what they think they want to hear.

In order to support your children so they don't feel like they have to "choose sides," show them that you have a good enough relationship with the other parent to be able to communicate with them. For example, when your child reports something that raises doubts, simply respond that you will talk to the other parent about it. Which brings us to another very important point: co-parenting.

Developing healthy and positive co-parenting

Once two parents have separated, they still need to maintain a connection in order to properly care for their children. It is rare that after a separation, parents can say: "Finally! I won't have to deal with him/her anymore! On the contrary, it will be necessary to be very open and patient with one another to achieve healthy and positive co-parenting. Once separated, parents must share important information about their children.

It is not necessary, however, to maintain a wonderful relationship with the other parent. It is not necessary to go out to dinner on Sunday nights as a family. Continued family outings may increase the child's confusion anyway. Just make sure that communication between the two parents is respectful and always focused on the children's needs and best interests. Care must also be taken with the roles given to children. Children should never be used as a messenger between the two parents, nor should they be used as a spy. It is important that parents do their own messaging and focus on their own parenting time.

Preparing children for a new family arrangement

Once you feel that your children have truly grieved the loss of their original family, you can gradually introduce a new partner into the fold. Since this will be another change in the children's lives, it is important to go in stages! When you talk to your children, let them know that you have met someone. Next, you can explain to them that you are comfortable with this person and trust him or her enough to include them in your life. Finally, tell your children about this person, without overdoing it, by giving some information, such as their name, their job.

Eventually, you can introduce this person to your children. We recommend that you make the introductions in a neutral environment, such as by going out to do a short activity together. Afterwards, debrief with your children, one on one. Ask them how they felt, if they would like to share any concerns, and if they enjoyed the visit. Be prepared to receive their feedback. Your children may be reticent and may be experiencing all kinds of emotions. If your children overreact, you may need to take a step back. Be sure to listen, support, and respect them.

Finally, remember that various resources can offer you with personalized support and tools for yourself and your children. Always allow all family members to take some time, to breathe, to appreciate each new stage. Take it one step at a time.

References (in French) 

Institut de la statistique du Québec 
Justine Pro Bono, S'orienter dans la séparation familiale