Preparing your child for parental separation

Many parents describe this period of their lives as quite difficult. But how do children experience it? The separation will likely have an impact on them, and each child will experience it in a different way, so it is important to be attentive and to listen to their concerns. Whether you are contemplating a separation or have already begun the process, here are a few tips to help you break the news and navigate the various steps that will follow.

How to tell your children about your separation

Once the decision has been made between you and the other parent, you need a game plan for telling the children. It's best to announce the separation together. Be on the same page about what information you will give the children. Remind them that you love them unconditionally and that there is nothing they could have done to change the situation.

You should not tell the children about the separation until there are concrete changes coming (for example, when one parent moves out). This will reduce your child's uncertainty and confusion. Explain what they can expect going forward (if they have to change schools, move, what custody will be between you and the other parent, etc.). At all times, reassure them, listen to them, and allow them to express their feelings about the situation.

Things to avoid after separation

Separation can trigger a lot of different emotions and it is important to work through them. However, you should avoid letting the negative emotions you may have for the other parent surface when you announce your separation. For example, avoid sharing details about your marital relationship. Your children certainly don't need to know which parent is refusing to pay for a part of the house, for example. Your children only need to know the basics on how this affects them.

Following separation, avoid introducing a new partner too quickly. A child will, on average, need a full year to mourn the loss of their original family. During this year, the child will go through several stages of grief, such as denial, anger, and trying to get their parents back together again. When you feel your child is ready, you can gradually introduce a new person. There's no need to move too fast! Take it step by step to give everyone time to adjust.

The impact of separation on children

Children between the ages of 10 and 13 may experience some anger at the new reality. At school, they may feel ashamed of the situation or be inclined to hide the separation from their friends. They might be eager to please, for example, at school, by putting a lot of energy into their grades, or at home, by trying to maintain a good relationship with their parents. On the other hand, you may see a more negative impact on school performance.

You must also provide structure in their daily lives, which will help keep them organized. Encourage your children to maintain a good relationship with you and the other parent, and allow them to socialize with their peers.

Every child, regardless of age, will experience parental separation differently. Watch for changes in their behaviour. Be aware of the feelings they are experiencing (sadness, anger, denial, guilt, etc.) and offer them the support they need to get through this. Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you feel you lack the tools to deal with the situation.

Getting support during a separation

If your separation and your new family reality have brought a lot of emotions to the surface, it's normal. But remember that your children are feeling these emotions, too. If you feel overwhelmed by the situation or if you simply want to discuss it with a third party, seek help or personalized support. Co-parenting coaching is also available to improve your parenting relationship or to allow your children to vent. There are many tools available to help you cope with family reorganization. You are also entitled to free mediation hours following your separation.

Finally, remember that the impact of the separation may be felt immediately, but also in the weeks or months that follow. Pay attention to changes in your children's behaviour and be there to listen and support them. Allow all family members time to grieve the loss of the former family structure. And don't worry, successful separations are possible!

References (in French)

Institut de la statistique du Québec 
Justine Pro Bono, S'orienter dans la séparation familiale