My teen is distant, should I be worried?

All of these relationships contribute to an individual's cognitive, emotional, and social development. In other words, the relationships between family and friends increase a person's well-being. It is normal, therefore, that your teenager values their social circle more than ever, especially during adolescence. 

The role of friendships in adolescence

It can be difficult for parents to watch their children withdraw from those who care about them. However, adolescence is a time filled with discovery and new challenges.

Often at this time of their lives, young people are searching for themselves, and trying to build their own identity and value system. As a result, they are sometimes tempted to distance themselves from their parents in order to find their own path while still managing to cope with the education you have given them.

The need for love and belonging

According to Maslow's pyramid, love and belonging are important elements in human development. They reveal the need for intimacy, friendships, and romantic relationships.

It is normal for young people to seek out an environment where they feel understood and part of a group. Of course, most parents offer this support, but the search for independence pushes young people to look for it elsewhere. 

It takes a village (and organizations) to raise a child

As counsellors in a youth centre, we create a special bond with the teenagers in the neighbourhood. Many young people express interest in using this type of space, which is safe and adapted to their needs and preferences. It allows youth to create a "gang" and bond with significant adults who are not their parents or family members.

It is also normal for your child to be more willing to talk about more sensitive topics with other peers. The parent/child relationship may be the reason for some restraint in dialogue.

Counsellors are a good intermediary resource for addressing important issues such as sexuality, drug use, and other topics related to adolescence. Of course, parents remain an essential resource for their children, especially during adolescence. We always recommend discussing these topics openly with them if you are comfortable.

Some tips for reaching out to a distant teenager

Here are a few things to think about if you have questions about the distance your teen is putting between themselves and you and your family.

The importance of active listening

Listening to your child and also trying to understand them is crucial. Don't be afraid to go deeper into the discussion. One way to do this is to gently question where the youth's feelings are coming from. Example: "What makes you feel this way?"

Adolescence also rhymes with compromise

Despite your teen's resistance, you need to find a balance between continuing to build a trusting relationship and giving them space to have their own experiences with their friends. 

And of course, it's perfectly normal to maintain a structure and set boundaries that are important to your family.

If friends become more important during adolescence, it's probably because you've done a good job of supporting your teen up to now. They are now ready to invest in other meaningful relationships with people outside their family. Your hard work is paying off!

References (in French)

Jerabkova, B. (2010). Le processus de co-rumination entre amis chez les jeunes victimes de harcèlement par les pairs : Impact sur le développement des symptômes dépressifs à l’adolescence.
Nadeau, K. (2010). Le rôle des parents dans les relations entre pars au début de l’adolescence : Une étude observationnelle, Université du Québec à Montréal.
Emilie, B. (2010). La pyramide de Maslow : Analyse et critique du modèle, Publications Pimido.
Saucier, J. et C. Marquette. (2021). Cycles de l’adolescence, processus sociaux et santé mentale.