My relationship with my teen... A father's point of view

The sudden need for autonomy and independence can overwhelm some parents. Moreover, the way children respond to their parents is different than before. In this respect, it is important to remember that this is part of normal, healthy youth development. It should not be taken personally. It comes from a need for independence and not from an intention to be jerkish towards their parents.

A little history on fatherhood...

In the not-so-distant past, dads primarily assumed the role of provider within their families. Even today, dads have this model as a reference, but this model is changing. Women's participation in the labour market, the increasing number of divorces, and the variety of family realities have contributed to these changes with respect to fatherhood.   Consequently, a father's role with their children can be performed in many different ways.

The importance of the father-child relationship

Did you know that 96% of fathers find it important to be involved with their children?

Fathers who are involved with their children feel more competent and valued in their role as parents. In their relationship with their teenagers, fathers are more likely to encourage calculated risk-taking and autonomy in their teens. Increasingly, fathers are becoming more involved in the household and this involvement has impacts on each family member's development.  When we refer to a father's involvement, we are talking more about the quality of his relationship with the children than about his participation in household tasks.

• Does he have an interest in school meetings?

• Does he have an interest in doing activities alone with his children?

• Does he prioritize the relationship, and how?

The answers to these questions can help us understand how involved a father is.  Fathers want to feel that their role is fully valued and that their presence is important to their children's development.

A little thought for you: Do you think that mothers leave enough room for fathers in their families?

Learning from the fatherly traits...

Letting go

For many, letting go is about trusting, watching for signs of change, and being there when their teen experiences setbacks and difficult times.  Before, we thought, "What can I do to make sure nothing happens to my child? With the arrival of adolescence, it is more like "what am I going to do when something happens to them? This is the time of life when your child will have friends you don't know. They will be doing things without your knowledge and making more and more decisions on their own.

Detachment and objectivity

Many fathers have an easier time than mothers when navigating detachment from their teens. This may be influenced by the fact that the children are carried by the mother. As such, a father's greater distance from the child can be a strength in the father-teenager relationship. The father may find it easier to avoid being overwhelmed by his child's emotions. While this disconnect is also felt on the father's side, their ability to be more objective fosters the development of a necessary and safe space for the youth.

Of course, the reaction may differ from one parent to another. The important thing is to draw inspiration from each other and value each other's strengths as you support each other in challenges. This will also help establish a meaningful bond with your teenager.

Reference (in French)

Guide d’adaptation des pratiques aux réalités paternelles, RVP, p. 22-25.