Responding to your child's coming out
May 4, 2022 Sexual and Gender Diversity
Parents
The journey to understanding and valuing one's identity as a teenager requires questioning, searching and exploring in order to better discover oneself. Many people experience a range of feelings when exploring their gender identity or sexual orientation, from excitement to relief to anxiety.
Throughout this process of exploration, your child may choose to share this part of his or her identity with you. This affirmation - or coming out - is a process that is unique to your child. Choosing to come out can take courage and strength, especially when your child doesn't know how you will react. That's why it's important to be open, accepting and listening.
During a coming out
When your child comes out, it's normal to be unsure of how to respond or afraid of saying something inappropriate. This is a sign that you want to say and do the right thing to support your child. Here are some tips to help you respond to your teen's coming out:
Listen
Listening is crucial: let your teen express themselves; this is their moment. Opening up to you is a sign of trust. Your child is putting himself or herself out there and can therefore be confronted with the risks associated with a negative reaction. This way you can tell him that you appreciate the trust and thank him.
Reassure as needed
If you sense that your child has fears about how this news might affect your relationship, knowing that it doesn't affect your affection for them can be a great relief.
Avoid intrusive questions and dismissive comments
It's important not to trivialize or question your child's feelings or experiences.
These are valid, and do not need to be questioned. Comments such as "it's just a phase, it will pass," can break the bond of trust you have. It is important that they see you as someone who believes in them so that they feel comfortable confiding in you in the future.
Also, it is important to remember that sexual orientation and gender identity can be fluid. A person may still be questioning when they come out or may come out more than once in their lifetime. This in no way invalidates what they are expressing, and it is not your role to question them or label them.
Communicate to better accompany
If you are wondering how to accompany your adolescent following their coming out, ask your child what you can do. Let them guide you as to what they need. It is possible, however, that your child may not feel the need to be accompanied. Respect this, but keep an open mind and your child will know that you are available to help.
Respect his or her rhythm
Coming out can happen in stages, and just because your young person has told you about it does not mean that they are ready or willing to discuss it with other people. Respect his or her pace and always ask if you are allowed to talk about it, and if so, to whom. The most important thing is not to come out for them without their clear consent. This is a microaggression that can hurt your teen and affect your relationship with them.
Sexual orientation and gender identity can be fluid. A person may still be questioning when they come out or may come out more than once in their lifetime. |
After coming out
After a coming out, it's normal to experience a range of emotions, some of which may seem contradictory or out of proportion.
It' s important to be sensitive to these feelings, whether they are your own or those of your child. Give yourself time to acknowledge them and don't hesitate to seek support. Many parents need help navigating their emotions and concerns.
But your support and acceptance are vitally important. Showing your love can help them to believe in themselves and feel validated. Remember, you don't have to know everything about your child's sexual orientation or gender identity to love and accept them for who they are. If you feel overwhelmed, hold on to your parenting values and focus on your role as a parent. This can help your child feel that you still care and accept them.
After all, coming out is just one of many steps in a person’s life journey and is not necessarily the end of the process. The experience, if wanted and welcomed, can be a liberating one. With your support, it can help your child feel much better about themselves!
References (in french)
Aide aux Trans du Québec (ATQ). (2021)
S’outiller pour mieux intervenir avec les personnes trans, non-binaires ou en questionnement de leur identité de genre
Central Toronto Youth Services (CTYS). (2020) Famille en TRANSition
Un guide de ressources à l’intention des familles des jeunes transgenres (2e édition)
Rosenberg, S. (2018.) Coming In : Queer Narratives of Sexual Self-Discovery
Journal of Homosexuality
