Sexuality during puberty

In fact, it's perfectly normal to have questions about your adolescent's development. And sexuality is part of that too. This is sometimes where the information gets a little murky for parents. So, where does your teen land in terms of psychosexual development?

Psychosexual development

Psychosexual development has many components. Making friends, affirming your gender, understanding your sexual orientation, knowing how your body works in intimate and sexual relationships are just a few examples! Most of the stages of psychosexual development will be completed by the time a child goes through puberty. And without parents present. The first friendship, the first love affair, the first sexual desires, the first heartbreak, etc. 

Your child will have all these experiences in their own way. However, it is important to prepare your teen as best you can, just as you did when they were young. You taught them to walk, to eat, to smile, to talk... Why not help them understand themselves better? To know their limits better? How to protect themselves?

First times

During adolescence, young people are often at the stage of differentiating themselves from their parents. That is to say, they are looking to build relationships and find a new kind of emotional security through their friendships and romantic relationships. It is perfectly normal and healthy for them to break away from their parents and do things without them. Often, it is during adolescence that romantic feelings emerge for the first time. 

Teens are eager to explore feelings of love, intimate closeness, and sexuality. Many times, it's quite awkward because it's the first time they've done it! Think about it, your first bike ride, was it your best? Probably not. The same is true for young people who are exploring intimacy for the first time, whether it be love or sex.

The desire to be like everyone else

One of the major issues during adolescence is the desire to belong and to be "like everyone else." Generally, young people are influenced by the belief that "everyone else is doing it." Although this is not always the case, a teenager who believes that "everyone else" must wear a yellow shirt to be "like everyone else" and to be accepted by their friends¹ is likely to engage in this behaviour. Teens often want to experience the same things as their friends, and ideally at the same time. And that's exactly when parents can step in and nurture their child's critical thinking skills!

The right time to talk about it

"When is the right time to talk about it with your teen?" The answer is: it depends. You know your child best, so trust your judgment. If your teen doesn't want to talk about condoms, intimacy, or consent with you, they'll tell you. However, when your child needs to talk or get advice, they may be very open to having a discussion with you. Know that if your child asks you a question related to intimacy, sex or relationships, it's probably a sign that they're ready to hear the answer. All you have to do is start the conversation. But how?

The right way to talk about it

There's no one right way to talk to your child about intimacy and sex. For example, you can use a book, video, TV show, or their school sex ed class to open the discussion. But if you'd rather your child get their information online, make sure they're looking at reliable sites like On SEXplique ça. Know that by not opening up the discussion with your children, they may understand that these are "taboo" or " unmentionable" topics within the family and won't feel comfortable coming to you if they need to. 

And if your child ever asks you questions that leave you confused, it's best to be honest. Tell them you don't know the answer and will look into it. It can be fun to learn some sexology terms with them, and teach them that you don't know everything, even as a parent!

Advice from the sexologist

When talking to your teen, keep in mind how important it is for them to experience things at the same time as their friends. Even if you're not sure if your teen is ready to talk about certain topics, it's better to be safe than sorry. This way, your child knows that they can come to you when they need to. Preventative education (about contraception, consent, respect, etc.) is best, so that your child has the tools and insights sooner rather than later.

Some books of interest (in French) :

Tout nu! Le dictionnaire bienveillant de la sexualité

Kaléidoscope, Livres jeunesse pour un monde égalitaire

La masturbation ne rend pas sourd!

Reference (in French)

Centre jeunesse de Montréal, Institut universitaire, Du plus petit au plus grand : outil de soutien à l’observation et à l’accompagnement des enfants de 0 à 18 ans